A Right Jolly Old Elf
by MarcyJ
Summary: Emmett loses a bet and ends up on the wrong side of a Santa Suit. Written for blondieAKArobin for the support stacie stocking stuffer auction.


_A/N: This story was written for blondieakarobin for the support Stacie auction. Immeasurable thanks go to her for being so awesome and understanding as I struggled with the performance anxiety of writing something like this on demand…which I had never done before. And also for beta reading her own story, and for adding the most hilarious part of the end! There are no words to describe your awesome level. And now, without further ado, I present to you_

_**A Right Jolly Old Elf**_

_I look like a moron_. Emmett's thought was tinted with amusement and self-deprecating humor.

"No you don't," I said, and then added "look like a moron" for the benefit of our brother, who couldn't hear inside people's heads.

"Yes you do," Jasper said nonchalantly, not looking up from the newspaper he was browsing. _Not that today is different from any other day._

"I think he looks like a right jolly old elf," I grinned broadly at my bear of a brother.

Jasper looked up then, and shook his head. "He looks like an albino Santa that got addicted to steroids and bought a bowflex."

Emmett glanced at me hopefully, challenging me with his eyes to refute the statement, but I just shrugged. It was inarguable.

"Rosalie is going to kill me for this."

I shrugged again. This, too, was inarguable.

"How did I get myself into this mess?" Emmett moaned, turning back to glance at his reflection in the window.

"You bet against my woman," Jasper said reasonably and raised the newspaper up to cover his smirk. "And now, as the foolish and impetuous always do, you must pay for your transgressions."

"Touché." Emmett moved more gracefully than any Saint Nick imposter before him over to the TV and switched on the game system. His thoughts were a series of explicatives as he tried to adjust the fake plastic guitar around the fur and fluff of his massive Santa suit. I chuckled quietly to myself, but Jasper's thoughts interrupted my revelry.

_Don't laugh. You'll tip him off. _

I drew my eyebrows together in question, letting Jasper know that I didn't understand.

_You weren't paying attention earlier? Ah. Wait for it then. It's so rare that you get surprised._

I nodded and looked back at Emmett, who had somehow managed to settle the guitar strap around his enormous girth and was watching the opening credits of the game flash across the plasma screen.

"Emmett Cullen!" Esme's voice caused the unwilling Santa to jerk around, looking like he'd just been caught doing something that would land him on the naughty list. His round little belly ended up on his left hip, he spun so fast.

"What?" He spit out with mock outrage, re-adjusting his fake fat.

"Did you get that out of the boxes of toys I asked you to unpack earlier?"

"The Santa suit?" his face was twisted into such a look of startled innocence that I couldn't stop the laugh that escaped me.

"The video game!" Esme said, the amusement in her voice obvious even masked in righteous anger. "Those were for the children, and don't you dare say you were just testing it out because—"

"Santa Claus is innocent," Alice appeared behind Esme on the stairs and pointed to the television screen. "Look."

We all turned to look. The credits were still looping. On the screen were cartoon versions of some very familiar looking people—though I use the term quite liberally—rocking out on little cartoon guitars. I smiled as the animated Nessie did a flip in the air and landed on her guitar.

"Cullen Hero?" Esme asked dubiously.

"I designed and programmed it for Em's Christmas present, since the human versions are so painfully slow." She flashed her brilliant teeth in a dazzling smile. "And because I saw that he _was_ going to swipe one of those from the toy box if I didn't."

Emmett pressed a button on the guitar, ready to show off the game to Esme, but a moment's glance at the main menu brought him up short. "What the hell?" he demanded and turned to glare menacingly at Jasper.

"Language!" Esme chided. Emmett ignored her, but the rest of us laughed. I'd seen many things in my long existence, but a seething Santa was a first, even for me. Even Emmett looked non-threatening in the oversized elf suit.

"What did you do to my songs, Soldier Boy?"

"I thought it was festive, like your suit. You don't like it?"

"Where did the Aerosmith go? The Linkin Park? The Muse?" Emmett bellowed.

In the time Emmett had been upstairs, pouring his immortal body into a cheap rental costume, Jasper had reprogrammed the game. There were exactly four songs available now: Jingle Bell Rock, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Feliz Navidad, and—inexplicably—The Dreidel Song.

Jasper took a deep breath and began singing in a perfectly pitched alto. "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you better not pout I'm telling you why…"

Emmett actually growled, and Jasper stopped singing.

"Your songs are still there. You just have to beat these four on ninja vampire setting to unlock them."

"There's a ninja vampire setting?" Carlisle asked, making his way down the stairs to join us.

"Of course," Alice chirped, subtly nodding at me. "All the best guitar players secretly hope to be ninja vampires. Just ask Ann Rice." Carlisle shook his head indulgently and looked back to Emmett.

"Well, are you going to play Feliz Navidad for us or not?"

Emmett glowered. "This totally and completely sucks."

"You are harshing my Christmas mellow, Santa Bear." Jasper was—in my opinion—pushing his luck. "Come on. Just one little song while we wait another hour for Mrs. Clause to finally grace us with her presence."

"Trust me," Alice nearly sang, "you aren't in any hurry for her to join us. You remember the Grinch?"

Emmett nodded somberly.

"Well, let's just say that all the Emmetts in Emmettville should be very afraid."

"She's going to kill me." It wasn't a question.

"Nah," Jasper nudged him in the rib with his elbow, though I doubted he felt it much through all that padding. "Too late for that. A grizzly and Carlisle beat her to it."

"Though the grizzly that mauled you was inarguably more pleasant than Rosalie is going to be," Alice said helpfully.

Emmett groaned again. "You should try to act a little more contrite, Alice, since this whole thing is really your fault."

"It most certainly is not! You're the idiot that accepted the wager. And Rosalie can't be too upset about it either, because she agreed to the terms as well."

"Only because Jacob goaded her."

"Still, neither of you was coerced into this," Alice said logically. "You both agreed to it of your own free will."

"But you knew we would when you set it up."

"True. But I refuse to be held responsible for you foolishness, even when I foresee it." She winked and sat down in Jasper's lap, planting a light kiss on his cheek.

I prepared myself mentally to tune out their thoughts, it was a knee jerk reaction that I had developed over the years whenever any of my family members had any sort of physical contact. But there was only silence in my head, no thoughts but my own. After a moment's consideration I realized I hadn't been hearing anyone's internal musings for awhile now. I looked up at the ceiling and grinned. Bella was shielding again. I'd gotten so used to it that it sometimes took me awhile to realize she was doing it. In the past year her skill at it had grown, and while we were in the house, she did it almost out of habit. Everyone was grateful for the privacy, me most of all.

"I should still smack his nose with a rolled up newspaper," Emmett grumbled. "For all the trouble he's caused me."

"It's your own fault." The two most beautiful females on the planet were descending the stairs now. Bella gave me a knowing smile and released the shield from her own thoughts, flashing me with quick images of our time together, starting with when she was human and parading all the way up to our private time that morning in the cottage. "Only a fool would bet against Alice."

"Are you a fool, Uncle Em?" Nessie asked.

"Only for you, Ness," Emmett groaned, eliciting laughter all around.

There was day, not so very long ago, when none of my family would have bet against Alice. Not even Emmett. But in the short time that the werewolves had become a seeming permanent fixture in our lives, Emmett had taken to exploiting the loopholes in her visions. In his childlike hunger for amusement, he went against common sense and made a bet against Carlisle, even though our tiny sister had already predicted the outcome. Not surprisingly, he lost.

The Quileute school was holding their annual fundraiser, and needed someone to play Santa Claus. It was laughable, and miraculous, that two years ago, we would have been killed for merely setting foot onto their land, and now we were welcomed with open arms. Like honored guests. Like family. We didn't attend the bonfires, though.

I watched my daughter skip gracefully down the last two steps and smiled. Even for a vampire, my life was extremely unconventional. I could finally accept that it was a blessing, embodied in the spirits surrounding me. The newest addition to our family returned my smile and turned wide eyes to Emmett. "Are you going to play a song? Can I play too?"

"Of course we're going to play, Nessie. Which song?" Everyone came alive around my little girl. Even Emmett, who was full to the brink with joy already, became more animated around her.

She examined the screen with serious consideration, and then scrunched her eyebrows together. "What's The Dreidel Song?"

"It's a Jewish holiday song," Esme said, stepping behind Nessie and stroking her curls.

"But we aren't Jewish," her words were laced with laughter.

"No," Emmett said.

"Then why is it on the game?"

"Because Jasper's a d—"

I shot Emmett a warning glance.

"Do-Do bird." He finished lamely.

Renesmee laughed. "You're silly, Emmett. Let's play The Dreidel Song." She made her way over to the piano and hopped gracefully up onto the bench. "I'm ready."

Emmett shook his head and pressed a button on his guitar, selecting the song.

"I wouldn't start at ninja vampire level," Alice said warningly. "It's a little more intense than you're ready for."

Emmett scoffed and selected it anyway. It took less than thirty seconds of our raucous laughter before he chuckled and started it over on "teddy bear" level. He'd only played a few bars when Nessie called out to us.

"Sing it! I want to hear the words!"

Obediently, we sang. A room full of vampires with varying religious beliefs—one of whom was dressed like Terminator Santa Claus—belted out a traditional Jewish holiday song at the bequest of our vampire hybrid daughter. Holidays with my family were never dull.

After Emmett played and we sang one time through, Nessie joined in on the piano, adding embellishments to the tune that would make most Juliard students Christmas tree green with envy.

We'd moved from The Dreidel Song on to Feliz Navidad when Jacob Black and Seth Clearwater strolled through the front door. Jacob was dressed in Jeans and a tee shirt, but Seth was dressed as an elf; complete with green striped stockings, a red tunic, and a pointy hat embellished with several jingle bells. He'd lost the same bet as Emmett and Rosalie.

"What took you so long?" Emmett asked, his snow white beard hiding his merry dimples.

"We had to drive," Jacob grumbled.

"You didn't expect me to tie all this," Seth waved a hand in front of himself, "to my leg, did you?"

Seth and Jacob had come across an old wheelbarrow of condoms in our garage that Emmett had 'won' his senior year at Forks High School during a very memorable Sex Education lecture with Coach Clapp. There had been a water balloon fight challenge issued and accepted between the Alpha wolf and Emmett. Jake had won, though only because Emmett had turned the water hose too hard in his excitement over the game and had failed to launch a single bomb. It wasn't strictly fair, because Alice had seen that Emmett would break the faucet, and Renesmee had shown it to Jacob, but it's hard to call foul on that type of thing in a supernatural household. It hadn't stopped Emmett from trying, though. The result was that Emmett, Rosalie, and Seth—who had inexplicably bet against his own Alpha—had to play the part of Santa and his helpers at tonight's event.

When Feliz Navidad was finished, and we'd all sung our wishes for a "prospero año y felicidad" Nessie jumped up from the piano and threw herself into Jake's arms. "Merry Christmas, Jake!"

He patted her on the head and grinned hugely. "Feliz Navidad, Ness. Though it isn't _quite _Christmas yet."

"It's _better_ than Christmas. We're getting to take a bunch of presents to give to little kids!" She reached her hands up and Jacob leaned forward so she could rest her tiny fingers against his face, showing him something. For an instant I wasn't sure if I was relieved or upset that Bella was shielding, and I didn't catch either of their thoughts, but when Jacob pulled away he laughed. "I'm sure the kids are going to love all of it, Ness. What are you going to ask Santa for?"

Nessie laughed. "That's not Santa, that's _Emmett_," she whispered.

"So it is," Jacob grinned up at the vampire in question. "Alright then, what are you going to ask Emmett for?"

"Every little girl wants a puppy dog," Seth quipped, and was met with varying degrees of laughter.

Rosalie's cold voice issued from the landing above us, though she was still somewhere out of sight. "Too bad she didn't get one that was better housetrained. I would have preferred a mutt that didn't pee on the floor and gnaw on my Jimmy Choos."

"Hey Rosalie," Jake shouted, though by now he knew she could hear him anyway. "What's the difference between a blonde and a Christmas tree?"

Silence.

"The tree knows when it's being cut down." Without pausing Jacob turned to look at Carlisle. "Is somebody going away for awhile?"

"Going away?" Carlisle seemed genuinely confused.

"Yeah. I thought maybe Emmett and Blondie were going back to Africa or something."

Carlisle turned to Emmett who shook his head and shrugged. "Why do you ask?"

"There are like four u-haul trucks parked outside."

Heads around the room swiveled back and forth, looking for an explanation. I was about to signal to Bella to lift her shield when Alice's voice pierced the silence. "I can explain that," We all turned to peer at her expectantly. "I was worried that there wouldn't be enough toys, so I procured a few more during my Seattle trip yesterday."

"Three u-haul vans worth?" Bella laughed.

"No," Alice said brightly. "Those are just the ones that the store couldn't deliver themselves. They only had four delivery trucks. Most of the toys are already at the school gym."

"Alice," Seth hedged. "Is there actually going to be any room for us and…you know…the kids in the gym?"

"Oh, hush, puppy. Don't be such a blue heeler." Alice teased. "Everyone will fit just fine."

"Hush puppy?" Seth laughed, but it choked in his throat when the sound of heels on the stairs caused everyone to turn and stare.

There were no words forthcoming from anyone the entire time my sister paraded regally down the steps and then finally into the living room. Even a room full of mythical creatures was powerless against the shocked awe of her appearance. She was wearing her Mrs. Claus costume, though it didn't look like any Mrs. Claus costume I'd ever seen before. Containing hardly any fabric at all, small scraps of material connecting the costume's thin strips of white fur trim were red and green and gaudy. The neckline dipped absurdly low and the skirt might as well have been swimsuit bottoms. Underneath it all she wore fishnet stockings and stilettos.

It was Jacob who found his voice first. "Well. Ho Ho _Ho_. You are aware that you're supposed to be giving out candy canes, not lap dances, right?"

I looked over to Emmett, wondering if the jibe at his sometimes wife would anger him, but I could tell by the glazed over look on his face that he hadn't heard a word. He was ogling her with reckless abandon, his tongue leaking out over his slack jaw. I said a little silent thank you that Bella was shielding, and I didn't have to hear what he was thinking.

His voice, when he finally spoke, held all the wonder of a child waking up to find presents. "It's a Christmas Miracle."

My glorious child broke the spell as she wiggled out from under Jacob's hand, clamped over her eyes. "Are lap dances part of ninja vampire mode, too?"


End file.
